just call me wishy-washish pipe dreamin' patty

okay so i thought about grad school for a nanosecond until i found out that FOUR letters of recommendation were required. yeah. i don't think so. however, i'm still restless, and am in need for some sort of change. my friends down in los angeles seem like they are having so much fun. two of them are trying the showbiz thing and now all of a sudden i'm starting to have that itch too. all of a sudden i want that life too. now, i know its not as simple as all that, and that i have waaayyyyyy too much stuff to take care of to just take off, but i can't help it. i know i'm a total pipe dreamer and it drives my family (especially my mother) crazy. i feel free, yet tied down all at the same time. does that make any sense? Anyway, here's a short list of what i am considering for the future at the moment:

1) apply (and hopefully get in) to gradschool at Humboldt State

2) just move back to arcata. get a job and an apartment.

3) move to los angeles, find roommate(s) and persue a career in showbiz.

4) stay put. get a haircut. loose weight (which my mother swears will GUARNTEE me a boyfriend. oh, my fondest wish. that will truly make me feel complete.)

what is wrong with me? why are people never satisfied? why am i never satisified?
i think i'm just scared of my life being totally ordinary. i know some people wouild be perfectly happy with that. i wish i would be happy with that.

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